Untethered

All of a sudden (as things that have been a long-time-coming tend to happen) I find myself untethered.

It’s a weird feeling. At first, I felt abandoned, helpless, and hopeless. Five minutes later, I was walking around with tear-stained cheeks, seeing the world anew – liberated and elated. I could do anything! There was nothing and no one telling me what to do; no well-trodden path or model to follow. There was nothing holding me back. Except myself. Panic – what should I do?! Anxiety is freedom … unless it’s the other way around.

The facts of the matter are: I was discharged by my psychiatrist, as I have tried every combination of medication, and – I quote – know the treatments and therapies better than the new doctors coming through. I’m weaning myself off Prozac. I’m on my own. Then, a few days ago, after years of exploration, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. How I choose to manage it is up to me. And the day before yesterday, I received an email from my publisher, darkstroke, informing me that they are closing the company this September. They are my first publisher – the first to take a chance on me and my novels. Their support has been incredible, and they – and the whole darkstroke community, good luck to them all! – will always hold a special place in my heart. But what shall I do now? I am alone. It’s up to me.

Driving home from work along aptly twisting country lanes, listening to Journal for Plague Lovers, I considered things. Ironic that I have been so wild and lost in my life, whilst penned-in by my perception of what ‘life’ should look like. Central to this was my notion that there was always someone wiser than me; someone who could fix me; someone who knew what was good and what was bad; someone who could validate or admonish me; some … well, some god-figure. A god-figure even in the form of the NHS, or a publishing house. A teacher. A parent. A god. Yet there I was, driving, unable to see what was around the bend, but able to choose which road to take.

There have been several mass-extinctions that we – as a species – are aware of. The last one occurred about 65 million years ago. A meteor hit the earth in Yuccatan, resulting in the demise of the dinosaurs. Yet here we all are in 2024. Things are a bit crazy (to say the least) but when have they not been a bit crazy? On it goes, I guess, until the Sun burns itself out, but even that won’t be the end of everything.

There are a few things I always come back to, if you read my writings. I can’t help it. They’re just there! The ideas of accepting that we’re here (wherever that is), that we just have to get on with it, and that the best we can do is to try to find happiness along the way.

So, if some kind of ‘big brother’ is watching me – I don’t give a fuck. If a god is watching me – I don’t give a fuck. And if a group of power billionaires is bewitching me into buying things, while giving me the illusion of choice – again, I don’t give a fuck. I’m doing what I can. And in my mind – so, then, in my reality – I am now untethered.

Expect changes, Reader…

#writerslife #publishing #writing #writer #author #mentalhealth #freedom #existentialism #fibromyalgia